Fears and Futures

This one is a hard one y'all. As tough as I try to be, it has been weighing on my mind and it's rough. 

Prepare yourself.

After 22 years of life, 17 of which have been spent in school, I have now officially registered for what will potentially be the last semester of schooling for me. As exciting as this is, it truly means change. I used to think I was perfectly happy with change and that everything was simply a new adventure, but this time around I have some very different feelings. These feelings are not all of any side. They are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. That gray area in the middle is a rather uncomfortable place to be, yet here I am. This is one of many points weighing on my mind, but it is the most prevalent at this time. 

When I was younger and dealing with different dramas in my life, I used to clash pretty badly with my mother. I thought at the time that this was because she was, "just so uptight and we were so very different." 

Oh, how wrong I was. 

As time has gone on I have discovered that I am, indeed, my mother's daughter. She and I have so much in common that I have found that she truly is a wealth of knowledge and not simply a character in my personal story. While I am my mother's detail-oriented and cautious daughter in many respects, I find that I am still very capable of the spontaneous and vibrant behavior of my father as well, this sometimes gets me into (rather entertaining) trouble, but can sometimes be a source of enjoyment for those around me and a release from my normally scheduled focus. 

At this time in my life, these two very different and very ingrained traits are battling. Hillary was always the one that my parents said had issues with change....I really don't think she's the only one. As it turns out, so do I. I am not easily scared, I normally move toward changes with vigor and determination, but this one has me scared stiff. 

I don't particularly relish being scared, I want to be "The Tough One" and be able to support others, but some days I have a hard time feeling like I support myself. 

My life (in terms of art) used to be kind of a color-by-number. I had options of what colors to use, but I always knew where I went next and what colors went where. Like coming to college. I knew that it was a change to move, but I also knew exactly what was expected and what I was to do next. This time around my life seems like more of a blank canvas than ever before. I don't know what comes next for me. There are so many roads that I simply must choose one.....but which is right? 

I have never been much good at painting, so 

what if I screw up this beautiful canvas with my first strokes? 

To quote Bob Ross, as my best friend did at me earlier this evening (morning?), "There are no mistakes, only happy accidents." I know that this is meant to bring me comfort, but strangely I still feel that I am not qualified to make these decisions. No matter how much of an adult I want to be, or how far I have come to be where I am. 

Thus is the nature of life, isn't it? Life wasn't made to feel safe. It wasn't made to be perfect. I accepted a long time ago that I am a beautiful mess, now I just have to reiterate that to myself. I had a professor point out to me a couple weeks ago that I do what is asked and I do it beautifully, but he then followed that with one simple word (directed at more than simply my homework) that I am trying to apply. 

That word is "Live!"

And why am I scared to live? 

Because life is hard. But it is also beautiful. And wonderful. And profound. 

I want to be beautiful, wonderful, and profound! 

So heres to stepping past the fears and building a beautiful future!

When I find the "right" way, I'll let you know.

Life, here I come!

Live!

Stubborn

Was I a stubborn child? 

I'm not really sure. I have wondered this many times as I have moved through this crazy existence, but never have I really realized where I stood on the issue.

When one is called stubborn it is frequently used in a derogatory manner. I have decided that is not what it is meant for at all. Here begins my quest to explain how stubbornness can benefit the wise. Or just benefit me. 

Cut to Summer 2015. 

I was working at Walmart in Cedar Hills. This was a temporary job, as I would be going back to school in the fall, so I was coping with where I was just fine. One fateful day/couple weeks, my supervisor realized I was the only person under her who had had no disciplinary actions taken against them. This could be for some obvious reason. For example: I am attentive to detail, I work hard, I knew what I was doing, or at least wasn't doing anything wrong. Instead of sticking with this line of exceedingly logical thinking, my supervisor proceeded to search for reasons to "coach" me.

Excuse me? No. 

This began to wear on me very badly, as I was doing the best that I could every day to go above and beyond the call of duty and I was still being kicked down for doing so. This went on for about two weeks. I was miserable. Everyone I spent time with could tell. My parents were very concerned, and even tried giving me suggestions, but "this was a temporary job and I could stick it out." (Hah)

I had been running myself ragged for a little while when suddenly, my supervisor came to me during my shift and yelled at me for something I had not done. This was the last straw. For me and my body. About half-way through said shift I became very ill and almost threw up multiple times. This is when I was found in a corner of the back room by a very concerned Manager. This woman looked at my pale and sweating self and sent my butt home to recuperate. 

Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles!

As soon as I was out of the building and safely on the road home, I began to feel better. This is where the correct stubborn kicked in! 

As soon as I was home, and had explained my sudden appearance at the house to my mother, I got on my laptop (with ginger ale and GF toast as my sword and shield) and proceeded to apply for and call about six jobs. SIX! I was done with that job. 

I must have made a decently respectable effort on the applications too, because I got calls for 5 of them. I took an interview the next afternoon, and I was out of Wally-World by the end of the week.

My father looked at me after all of this and said, 

"When you get irritated enough you kick it into high gear and you get stubborn. When that happens, nothing at all can stop you."

Nothing at all can stop you. That is one of the best connotations of being stubborn, I have ever heard! 

This kind of thing has happened multiple times in my life. I was always afraid of being called stubborn, but looking back, it has mostly been for good causes. 

My interest about this was piqued tonight as I sat, mildly moping, in my room. I was upset about recent events and was unsure of how to go about feeling better. I have been sad for about a month now and I wanted that sadness to end without malice and without anger. I had become irritable about my own attitude. So, I chose stubborn! It has been a friend to me in the past.

Yet again, I was being stubborn and feeling sorry for myself. "Oh, I never go out. I don't see people as much as I'd like to. I don't meet new people. My plans have fallen through. I'm emotionally distraught." Today, I decided finally to stop that. I got so irritated with my own pathetic attitude that I stepped up and said, "No. You are a strong, independent woman. You are free, white and over twenty-one. You don't need no man!"
(please imagine this said by a sassy Octavia Spencer from "The Help")

Thus, here I am with a newly organized room, a happier outlook on all my responsibilities, a nice bowl of Cheerios, a plan to meet new people, and A SMILE ON MY FACE!! 

NOTHING AT ALL CAN STOP ME! 

I guess after all is said and done, I am me, and I am OK. 

I want all of you to know that no matter how battering the storm may get-no matter the trial-nothing at all can stop you. It doesn't matter if you are a stubborn person at all. You are a person, and you deserve to have all the happiness you choose. This is what matters.
So never let ANYTHING stop you! 

Oh Happy Day!

Adventure Is On I15

This weekend I decided that it would be a fun idea to go home on an unplanned visit. My father had no idea I was coming, and my mother thought I would not get there until evening. I showed up on my back porch Friday at noon and proceeded to have a lovely weekend! 

I rode around in my sister's convertible. I went to stake conference with my father. I did a ton of fun things! I had so much fun this weekend, that I chose to stay at home until Monday morning. I had nothing going on until about 11 AM. (being a Grad student is nice that way) So, barring some tragedy, I decided that I had plenty of time to get back for school and still spend another evening with my family.

Monday morning dawned bright and beautiful as I began the last leg of my adventure. Little did I know that my adventure would bring me so much. 

I was a mere 30 miles from my destination of Cedar City, Utah (after driving 3 hours), and I was having a grand old time. I was singing along with my brand new Barbra Streisand CD and munching on Baken-ets chips, when suddenly tragedy struck! My dear, lovely, wonderful little Baja *thunked*. Now, if you know anything about cars, they are not supposed to *thunk*. They definitely are not supposed to start smoking profusely either. As I pulled my vehicle to the side of the road, I turned the radio off and started to wonder how to deal with this problem. 

Once I arrived at my new destination of 
I15 mile-marker # 86, 
I realized that my engine was not making a peep. There was no gentle lovable hum. There was no sound at all. This was bad.

Little bit of background information: I am 22 years old. I don't like driving long distances by myself. My parents were both at school. And I had NO idea whatsoever of what to do in this situation. I have never had a car break down. I have never seen my parents cars break down. 

This was very new. 

I proceeded to call both my parents to get assistance in what the heck I was even supposed to do now. Meanwhile, cars are zooming past, caring nothing for my panic. I FINALLY got ahold of my mother and (scared the crap out of her at work) received all the necessary guidance for this new bout of fun. 

I called the insurance people (hoping this would not affect my rates) and found out that I get one free tow! Thank you Mom and Dad for having this insurance! I could wait for a tow truck! That would be fine. Then the operator told me that I had approximately a 90 minute wait.

This was at 10 AM. I was going to miss all the things. So, to remain calm (while sitting in my toasty vehicle on the side of the freeway) I proceeded to call professors and anyone I would possibly need to notify. After this so called fun I got out of the car and decided to brave the terror of opening the hood. I knew I couldn't fix anything, but I wanted to at least see if the problem was something I could see. Ever seen the aftermath of shooting multiple cans of oil? Neither have I, but I have a pretty good idea what it would look like. There was oil everywhere in there! No way I could fix this. 

My car essentially had the flu and threw up all over itself! 

This is when I realized that the tow truck was going to take me to my apartment. What on earth was I going to do with my sad little sick car there? This conundrum was solved with the old standby of "Phone A Friend"! Luckily I have "car people" friends and friends with tow straps...these friends were not the same person interestingly enough. 

----Two Hours Later----

I was finally picked up after sitting in the hot sun for two hours, and taken to my home. 

I will now skip the anecdote of towing my car to the shop and the silly looks I got when I told the man there that my car had, indeed, *thunked*, smoked, and looked like a vehicular slaughter case.

----This Brings Us to Today----

I received a call from a kind man at the shop. He literally asked me if I was sitting down. 

(I may be emotionally attached to my car) 

Diagnosis of the problem: My sunny little truck threw a rod. 

Apparently if I go down to the shop they can show me what this means. I was told that my engine literally has a huge hole in the top of it. My engine has exploded. 

So it's not just the flu. My car has to have a heart transplant. Ok. 

More life experience!

Oh Happy Day! 

(I hope that you have enjoyed reading this story. I am trying to blog again. This could be interesting.)

Three Weeks In

Three weeks. 20%. one fifth. Not there yet. 

I am three weeks into my third year of this adventure! It's going really well so far despite all the stress. I have been given so many opportunities in just the first three weeks and it feels great! I just finished singing with the choir for the new university president's inauguration and it was so good for me to be able to perform with them this early on!

This week I also had the opportunity to sing for the "Homecoming Gala" held in the library on Wednesday night. The purpose of the gala was to showcase some of the talent in the CPVA college. There were selections from musical theater, instrumental music, and still arts. The part I performed with was a small selection of music students chosen to perform Opera pieces. This gave me the wonderful privilege to perform once again O mio babbino caro by Puccini. The rehearsals were confusing and a hassle to schedule, but the gala really was a wonderful experience. 

I am really loving not having to directly deal with the drama that I overcame last year, but I still receive updates on people who were causing such situations and it just makes me laugh to know that I have grown so much from where I was!! 

My schedule is ridiculously crazy and somewhat exciting, but I am focusing on my schoolwork and I am loving it here! Although I am focusing so hard I still find time to have fun, for example, tonight is the Forever Red Celebration for Homecoming and I am excited to go celebrate this wonderful school's history and spend time with some wonderful friends! 

So, until next time, have a very happy day!

Oh Happy Day!!

Just to Recap

When I said I was working full time for the summer I was completely serious....I sadly did not have the time or energy to blog, which seems terrible, but really it means that I was attempting to accomplish so much more than I could. 

I worked and worked and worked this summer. On my days off I did things like mow the lawn, clean the house, pack, and even extracted honey with my dad! I spent a lot of time with the people who are closest to me and really enjoyed being home for a little while. 

Now, I am one week into school and though I miss being at home, I am still loving it here! I am (yet again) taking a full course load of 18 credits, participating as an SUUSA Department Rep. and some of my 18 credits are in things that take more time than regular classes. I am participating this year in the opera (Dido and Aeneas) and two choirs (as usual) and in the spring I will be auditioning for a role in SUU's production of Fiddler on the Roof. This is going to be a very exciting year! 

One week in and I'm already exhausted, but I'm finally living in my own room and cooking my own meals and I can truly say that the drama is basically non-existent now! I am living with two of my best friends and we all are enjoying it here. It's a little more of a walk from campus than where we were living (on campus housing), but we are all enjoying the freedom and lack of strict quiet hours and shared rooms and confusion. 

With all the excitement of being a Junior in college, I still miss home like crazy, but I know that this is where I am meant to be and that when I finish this grand adventure I will be a much greater person for it! I have already seen the growth in my life and I am very blessed and happy to be here! I love the people who support me in all that I do and I want them to know that I love them very much and that I miss them and value them above all else.

Love, Corlissa

Oh Happy Day!!!

Landed It!

After the excitement of yesterday I got down to business studying for my other finals until I received a phone call. I just found out that I have a job for the summer!  

Full time, Good pay, and in the morning so I will have plenty of time to spend with my family and friends this summer! 

I'm very excited about this job. The store is holding the opening for me until I can go in on Monday to sign paperwork and do a drug test and then I am clear to work all summer! 

Also I have decided that in some of my free time after I get a new laptop I will be recording some things and doing some shameless self promoting! It's gonna be fun to sing simply for my own enjoyment and not for a grade!  

This summer is gonna be GREAT!

Oh happy day!

Halfway.

a Sophomore Gateway. 

a test of your dedication and strength in the music department.

to ensure that the students are learning what they need to be. 

to help students know what they have to look forward to in the music world. 

causing me grief for two years now. 

the gateway is done two years into the music degree and there are several requirements to pass. 

My Sophomore Gateway was today. 

This was the most stressful thing I have done in school thus far, but I got past it.

I PASSED MY GATEWAY!!!!! 

If you hadn't noticed, I am super excited about this fact! :D

I will now be continuing on next semester as a Junior!! I'm halfway there! In other news, I had the idea to do my Junior Recital with a percussionist. Apparently mixing voice and instrumental in recitals does not happen frequently. I do not believe that a percussionist and a vocalist have ever done it together at SUU, but it's gonna happen! 

I'm so happy that my ideas are working out!

Well it is finals week, so I must go study s'more Math and Form + Analysis. 

I will pass ALL THE FINALS!!!! (i passed the most worrisome one)

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!

(Halfway There!)