Fears and Futures

This one is a hard one y'all. As tough as I try to be, it has been weighing on my mind and it's rough. 

Prepare yourself.

After 22 years of life, 17 of which have been spent in school, I have now officially registered for what will potentially be the last semester of schooling for me. As exciting as this is, it truly means change. I used to think I was perfectly happy with change and that everything was simply a new adventure, but this time around I have some very different feelings. These feelings are not all of any side. They are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. That gray area in the middle is a rather uncomfortable place to be, yet here I am. This is one of many points weighing on my mind, but it is the most prevalent at this time. 

When I was younger and dealing with different dramas in my life, I used to clash pretty badly with my mother. I thought at the time that this was because she was, "just so uptight and we were so very different." 

Oh, how wrong I was. 

As time has gone on I have discovered that I am, indeed, my mother's daughter. She and I have so much in common that I have found that she truly is a wealth of knowledge and not simply a character in my personal story. While I am my mother's detail-oriented and cautious daughter in many respects, I find that I am still very capable of the spontaneous and vibrant behavior of my father as well, this sometimes gets me into (rather entertaining) trouble, but can sometimes be a source of enjoyment for those around me and a release from my normally scheduled focus. 

At this time in my life, these two very different and very ingrained traits are battling. Hillary was always the one that my parents said had issues with change....I really don't think she's the only one. As it turns out, so do I. I am not easily scared, I normally move toward changes with vigor and determination, but this one has me scared stiff. 

I don't particularly relish being scared, I want to be "The Tough One" and be able to support others, but some days I have a hard time feeling like I support myself. 

My life (in terms of art) used to be kind of a color-by-number. I had options of what colors to use, but I always knew where I went next and what colors went where. Like coming to college. I knew that it was a change to move, but I also knew exactly what was expected and what I was to do next. This time around my life seems like more of a blank canvas than ever before. I don't know what comes next for me. There are so many roads that I simply must choose one.....but which is right? 

I have never been much good at painting, so 

what if I screw up this beautiful canvas with my first strokes? 

To quote Bob Ross, as my best friend did at me earlier this evening (morning?), "There are no mistakes, only happy accidents." I know that this is meant to bring me comfort, but strangely I still feel that I am not qualified to make these decisions. No matter how much of an adult I want to be, or how far I have come to be where I am. 

Thus is the nature of life, isn't it? Life wasn't made to feel safe. It wasn't made to be perfect. I accepted a long time ago that I am a beautiful mess, now I just have to reiterate that to myself. I had a professor point out to me a couple weeks ago that I do what is asked and I do it beautifully, but he then followed that with one simple word (directed at more than simply my homework) that I am trying to apply. 

That word is "Live!"

And why am I scared to live? 

Because life is hard. But it is also beautiful. And wonderful. And profound. 

I want to be beautiful, wonderful, and profound! 

So heres to stepping past the fears and building a beautiful future!

When I find the "right" way, I'll let you know.

Life, here I come!

Live!